Written by Stacey in her bathroom
I didn’t know Geometry was involved.
Eyebrows… hmmmmmmph. I have been meaning to do something about my eyebrows since before the holidays.
But what? and how? I need help. So, what do you do when you don’t know what to do? You go to TikTok looking for answers.
I would like to formally ask why no one mentioned that eyebrows require geometry.
I went into this thinking it was a light maintenance situation. A little mirror, a little tweezer, maybe a candle if we are feeling spa-like. Instead I am standing here angling imaginary lines from my nostril to my forehead like I am about to solve for X.
At what point did this happen. When did eyebrows become a full strategic afternoon of me saying WTF am I doing?
Also, I would like to say something that no one is saying enough. Back in the 80’s people would have absolutely lost their minds for the eyebrows we are out here casually plucking away. Hello all the BROOKE girls.
We spent years trying to grow them back. YEARS. Some people are still in recovery. IYKYK.
And here I am, voluntarily removing perfectly good hairs like I have not learned a single thing from my foremothers.
But I thought a lil tidying was in order, so here we go...
The Tools Situation Has Escalated
I thought I owned tweezers. Turns out I own tweezers to take out bee stings.
Then I looked at what people who “know what they are doing” use, and suddenly I am questioning everything.
You can look at these: tweezerman.com for a selection of slants and colors.
Or these very serious ones that feel like they come with expectations:
anastasiabeverlyhills. You can also get templates and scissors.
Then there are full brow kits, which I assumed were for professionals or people with patience. Like the ones you can find at ulta.com. They have brow pencils, setting stuff, waterproof, non-waterproof, pomade, powder… Like it’s a whole aisle just for eyebrows.
These are not casual tools. These are commitment tools. These say you are about to make decisions that will affect your whole face for awhile.
The Eyebrow Mapping Situation
Apparently your eyebrow is supposed to start, arch, and end according to very specific measurements.
You line it up with your nose. Then your pupil. Then the outer corner of your eye.
I do not know who figured this out but I would like to speak to them because I was not good at math in school and I do not see why it is suddenly required now, decades later.
Because if you mess up a math problem on paper, you get a bad grade.
If you mess up your eyebrow, you have a problem.
You open one of these and suddenly you are someone who “defines” and “sets” and “finishes.”
I am just trying not to create a gap.
People with famous eyebrows.
Also, can we just acknowledge that some eyebrows achieved greatness without a single measuring stick involved:
- Frida Kahlo
Did not pluck, did not conform, became an icon anyway. - Eugene Levy
These brows have range. Expressive, dramatic, possibly unionized. - Bert- from Bert & Ernie
One solid brow. The original unibrow. - Grace Jones
Architectural. Precise. Slightly intimidating. - Spock
Perfect angles, no nonsense. - Brooke Shields
The reason half of us are even in this situation.
And not one of them stood in front of a mirror thinking, “Is this aligned with my pupil?” Meanwhile, here I am with tweezers, trying to figuire out if E = mc2
A Better Use of Your Energy, In My Opinion
If you are in a place where you are reconsidering all of your life choices while holding tweezers, I would gently suggest redirecting your focus to something that does not require symmetry or precision.
Like art.
Specifically, the kind that makes you laugh and does not judge your eyebrows.
The Boonie’s Besties pieces have personality; they are a little unhinged in the best way, and they make excellent gifts for your best friend, your girlfriend, or yourself after a minor grooming incident.
No measuring required. No angles. No regret.